Alfred C. Clyde, inventor of "The Horrorscope" was once a young man.Yes I know it's hard to believe, a Clydesman younger than 50. Ah but yes, Alfred was once young. He was clean-shaven, enjoyed the occasional glass of grape juice, and was overall a very carefree man. One evening, after a longer than normal church service, Alfred C. Clyde's life was changed forever. In between gospels, Alfred felt hungry and ordered a pizza to the church.
What he didn't know was the pizzeria from which he ordered was deadly.
As the pizza delivery boy approached the church, he held not a pizza, but a long range assault rifle. His name? Osama Bin Laden.
Alfred, and the rest of the congregation were deep in harmony, pounding through the final chorus of choral classic "Love Lifted Me." Nobody suspected a thing. The pizza boy drew closer and closer waiting to make his move. Alfred, a tenor, was warbling along when suddenly he fell to his knees. At first it appeared to be gas, but then it was like the walls of his mind just fell away...
He could see...the future.
He looked into the eyes of a woman to his left and instantly took in every detail of her future. Immediately he foresaw the enormous amount of chicken she would consume before an unfortunate late December boating accident. However, this prediction was thwarted by proper exercise and a girthy life preserver.
Alfred was consumed with knowledge of the present, past, and future. After what felt like an eternity, the hypnotic trance broke and he bolted towards the door. There would be no more secrets in his future, only understanding.
As the door opened, he was unsurprised by the bearded pizza man pointing a long range assault rifle right at his face. At this point, Alfred C. Clyde expected it. He knew it was going to happen. He knew what to do. Alfred bit the pizza man. Bit Osama Bin Laden right on the face. Some say this is why he was so ugly.
Osama Bin Laden ran away, disgraced and bloody, and the church goers lived to praise thee another day.
Driven by the guilt of having ordered the pizza, Alfred C. Clyde withdrew from society to study his new skills. Many nights were spent gazing into crystal balls, basket balls and even the ball joints of a 1972 Buick. Not many can predict the unpredictable, even fewer can un-predict the predictable.
As time went on, our hero Alfred C. Clyde honed his newfound craft, making infinitely accurate predictions too numerous to name, eventually refining his skills to the medium of online fortune telling.
"The Horrorscope" is your direct link with true predictable magic. Alfred C. Clyde is more accomplished and all- knowing than anyone who ever lived. And quite frankly, he is tired of hearing about it. He knows you know he knows. He would have even written his own biography, but thought it would be just too darn predictable. So he invented an online video game instead.