Mt. Gilgamesh 

PROLOGUE 

TWAS THE YEAR 2074. MT. GILGAMESH TREMBLED. IT HAD BEEN THOUSANDS OF YEARS SINCH IT HAD LAST MOVED, BUT TONIGHT IT SHOOK LIKE A DOG SHITTIN' BONES. FOR THE MOUNTAIN HAD BEEN KNOCKED UP.

DEEP WITHIN THE CHASM OF MT. GILGAMESH GREW A FUNKY ENERGY. IT GROOVED. IT WAS GROOVIN THAT STICKY ICKY BUBBA MAKINTAS TYPE OF GROOVE. THE PEOPLE WHO LIVED UPON THE MOUNTAIN HAD BEEN SHAKING TO THIS GROOVE FOR YEARS. BUT TONIGHT? TONIGHT, THE MOUNTAIN SHOOK BACK. 

IN ORDER TO UNDERSTAND WHY A DANCE GROOVE MANIFESTED ITSELF WITHIN A TROPICAL VOLCANIC MOUNTAIN, WE MUST FIRST TRAVEL BACK IN TIME. BACK TO A TIME WHERE THE COLLEGE EDUCATED WERE UNEMPLOYED, AND THE UNEDUCATED HAD NO DEBT.

 

ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE YEAR 2017, THERE WAS A BAND CALLED THE WEIRD SISTERS.

CHAPER 1, THEN THERE WERE TWO

GABRIELLE LEWIS AND IZAAC SHORT WERE JUST STRANGERS IN A STRANGE LAND IN THE YEAR 2017.

 

GABRIELLE LEWIS WAS YOUNG, POINTY AND PRETTY. SHE GREW UP ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE FENCE. YES, THAT'S RIGHT. SHE'S CANADIAN. SHE WAS BORN ON A LODGE IN NUNAVUT. AND IF YOU GIVE HER ANY ATTITUDE ABOUT IT, SHE WILL HAVE NUNA-VUT! THAT'S RIGHT. A REAL SASSY MAMA. SHE GREW UP WITH LOTS OF PLAID, BARKING DOGS, SNOW, WHITTLING, AND PERHAPS MOST IMPORTANTLY, A BIG WOODEN PIANO NAMED EMMETT. TO SAY THAT FAR NORTH IS A QUILTED PLACE WOULD JUST BE A LIE. IT'S QUILTED NORTHERN MEGA. THERE IS SNOW. ABOUT AS MUCH AS ONE CAN IMAGINE. THEY SAY THAT'S WHERE SNOW GOES FOR THE SUMMER. GABRIELLE DID GO OUTSIDE ONCE AND SHE WAS ALMOST EATEN BY A BEAR. THE REASON HER FATHER GAVE HER AS TO WHY SHE WAS ALMOST EATEN WAS SIMPLE. SHE SMELLED. "THE BEAR WANTED TO KILL YOU BECAUSE YOU SMELLED BAD. WHY WOULD A BEAR WANT TO KILL YOU IF YOU SMELLED GOOD? YOU ONLY WANT TO GET RID OF SOMETHING WHEN IT SMELLS BAD."

CONFUSED BY THIS, SHE NEVER LEFT THE HOUSE AGAIN. THAT'S WHERE HER AND EMMETT THE PIANO GOT TO KNOW EACH OTHER. THEY SAY IF YOU SPEND ENOUGH TIME WITH YOUR INSTRUMENT THEY START TALKING TO YOU. AS EMMETT AND GABRIELLE GOT TO KNOW EACH OTHER THEY TALKED AND TALKED. WHEN GABRIELLE TOLD HIM ABOUT THE BEAR, EMMETT WASN'T SURE IF HER FATHER WAS CORRECT, BUT DIDN'T WANT TO SAY ANYTHING BECAUSE HE GENUINELY EJOYED HER COMPANY AND DIDN'T WANT TO RISK HER GOING BACK OUTSIDE. THEY WOULD JAM ALL DAY AND TALK ALL NIGHT. THEY EVEN BANGED A FEW TIMES.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CANADA NEVER FELT SO WARM. THINGS WERE HEATING UP.ONE AFTERNOON GABRIELLE AND EMMET WERE HANGING OUT, JAMMING OUT TO THE NEWS CHANNEL. WEATHER MAN BONNET FREEMAN WAS TELLING IT HOW IT WAS. THE COLD BUT SOFT WET TRUTH. "TODAY IS A SAD DAY, IT IS MY SUPREME SADNESS TO DELIVER PERHAPS THE MOST FOREBODING WEATHER REPORT EVER REPORTED IN THE HISTORY OF CANADIAN PUBLIC ACCESS. OUR BELOVED COUNTRY IS MELTING. IF YOU ARE HEARING THIS MESSAGE, IT IS TIME TO GRAB ANY AND ALL PERSONAL BELONGINGS AND RUN. YOU ARE NOT SAFE."

AT THIS POINT, THE AMERICAN SCIENTIST ALFRED GORE HAD BEEN SAYING THIS FOR YEARS. NOBODY TOOK HIM SERIOUSLY BECAUSE HE WAS JUST SO DAMN UGLY. LUCKLY THIS WEATHERMAN WAS MOVIE STAR HANDSOME, AND GABRIELLE IMMEDIATELY TOOK ACTION. FIRST, SHE LOOKED OUT THE WINDOW. IT HAD BEEN MONTHS SINCE HER LAST PEEK. ALREADY THERE WAS ABOUT A DECIMETER OF WATER, SLOWLY RISING AROUND THE SMALL BARRACK THEY CALLED A HOUSE. SHE LOOKED AT EMMET THE PIANO. LOOKED AT ALL 227 KILOGRAMS OF EMMET THE PIANO."I'M NOT LEAVING WITHOUT YOU SHE SAID."

 

THEY ARGUED FOR A BIT UNTIL GABRIELLE'S FATHER ENTERED THE ROOM WITH A LIFE JACKET AND A WIDE MOUTHED BLUNDERBUSS. 

 

"FATHER, I WILL NOT LEAVE EMMET."

 

TO THE MAN'S CREDIT, HE TRIED TO TAKE THE PIANO. THEY SPENT AN HOUR IN KNEE DEEP WATER STRUGGLING TO GET THE PIANO INTO THEIR SNOW MOBILE... BUT TO NO AVAILE. GABRIELLE WAS SO BESIDE HERSELF, SHE FORGOT TO BE SCARED OF THE BEARS. FORGOT TO BE CONCERNED OF HER AROMA. SHE WOULD NOT LEAVE HER FRIEND BEHIND.

 

EMMET, IN A FINAL ACT OF SELFLESSNESS, SAID WHAT NEEDED TO BE SAID. IT WAS SAD, IT WAS HEARTBREAKING. I WOULD TYPE OUT THE DIALOG, BUT IT'S JUST TOO DARN SAD. SIMILAR TO WHEN THAT KID TELLS AIR BUD TO GO FUCK HIMSELF. GABRIELLE CHOKED BACK BIG WET TEARS AS THEY PUTTERED AWAY HEADING SOUTH. HOW SOUTH THEY WOULD GO SHE KNEW NOT. 

AS THE CLIMATE CONTINUED TO SHIFT EMMET WOULD EVENTUALLY FIND HIMSELF ON THE BOTTOM OF THE HUDSON BAY FOR QUITE SOMETIME, THOUGH THIS WOULD HARDLY BE THE LAST TIME HE CROSSED PATHS WITH GABRIELLE LEWIS.

HOW SHE MADE IT TO NASHVILLE TENNESSEE IS ANYONE'S GUESS. GETTING THAT GIRL TO TALK ABOUT HER PAST IS LIKE CHANGING THE BREAKS ON SOMEONE ELSES CAR WITHOUT ANY LITE BEER.BUT MADE IT TO NASHVILLE SHE DID, ALONE, OUTNUMBERED, AND SCARED OF THE WATER, GABRIELLE WAS LOOSE IN THE SOUTH. HOWEVER IT WAS NOT LONG BEFORE THE LOOSE MET THE GOOSE.

IZAAC SHORT ON THE OTHER HAND WAS FROM A SMALL FARMING COMMUNITY  CALLED GOOSEVILLE, SOMEWHERE IN THE SMALL INTESTINE OF WESTERN PENNSYLVANIA. GOOSEVILLE WAS TRUE TO IT'S NAME. FAMOUS FOR GOOSERY AND ALL THINGS DENIM. THERE WERE SO MANY GEESE THEY HAD TO CLOSE THE COAL MINE. IZAAC GREW UP GOOSING IN ABOUT EVERY WAY POSSIBLE, AND WAS ON TRACK TO A PROSPEROUS LIFE, BUT IT WASN'T MAKING HIM HAPPY. AT NIGHT HE WOULD CRY OUT TO THE STARS, "PLEASE TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS PLACE!" BUT THE DISTANT HONKS OF THE GEESE WERE HIS ONLY REPLY. THERE HAD TO BE A BETTER WAY. THE ONLY THING HE TRULY FOUND AGREEABLE WAS THE VIBRATION OF A PARTICULARLY RELIABLE SNAPPER PUSH MOWER. BOY OH BOY, WHEN THE GRASS NEEDED CUT, IZAAC WAS THE FIRST TO VOLUNTEER. HE LOVED SINGING AND WHISTLING TO THAT OLD LAWN MOWER HUM. AND WHAT LUCK IF YOU HIT A STICK... RHYTHM! UNFORTUNATELY ALL GOOD THINGS MUST COME TO AN END. HE WAS CUTTING THE GRASS AT MAYOR THUMB'S HOME, A PRESTIGIOUS GIG. HE WAS JUST FINISHING UP THE FINAL STRIPE, WHEN HE SPOTTED AN UNUSUAL RIVER STONE PROTRUDING FROM THE GRASS, WELL, IT WAS TOO IRRESISTIBLE. "DRUM SOLO" HE MOANED AS HE VIERED OFF COURSE. HE HAD TO RUN IT DOWN. IZAAC INHALED AND CLOSED HIS EYES... AND IT SOUNDED MAGICAL. THE LAWN MOWER TORE THE SMOOTH ROCK TO PIECES, BEATING LIKE CHURCH BELLS BETWEEN THE SPINNING BLADE AND LAWNMOWER DECK. KEITH MOON COULDN'T HOLD A CANDLE TO THIS LAWN MOWER. IT WAS FIERCE, ELECTRIFYING, THE MOWER HUMMED IN THE KEY OF G EXUDING HARMONICS SO COMPLEX ONLY GOD COULD COMPREHEND.IT WAS GORGEOUS, BUT NOT FOR LONG. YOU SEE A PIECE OF THE WHIRLING ROCK ESCAPED THE VORTEX. HIT BY ONE OF THE STEEL BLADES, IT SHOT SAVAGELY TOWARDS THE POND. WITH A MUFFLED THUMP AND PLUME OF FEATHERS, THE FUN WAS BROUGHT TO A QUICK AND SOBERING HAULT. THE CHUNK OF ROCK HAD STRUCK MAYOR THUMB'S AWARD WINNING GOOSE. AN AMBULANCE WAS CALLED, AND THE YOUNG PROFESSIONALS TRIED THEIR HARDEST TO REVIVE THE GOOSE TO NO AVAIL. THE GOOSE WAS PRONOUNCED DEAD, AND IZAAC WAS PRONOUNCED FIRED. DESPONDENT AND WITH NO WHERE TO GO IZAAC WENT WHERE HE ALWAYS WENT. DOWN TO THE LOCAL BEER GARDEN, HONKERS.

 

THERE WAS A LITTLE BAND PLAYING THAT NIGHT. HONUS RIB AND THE BUTTERCREME BOYS CROONED ON AND ON AS IZAAC DRANK HIMSELF SADDER AND SADDER. HE WAS LOWDOWN AND IT WAS OBVIOUS. "I'M SO TIRED OF GEESE" HE TRIED TO SAY TO A GENTLEMAN AT THE BAR. HE WOULDN'T LISTEN. NOBODY WOULD LISTEN. IZAAC WAS USED TO THIS BY NOW. THIS WAS GEESEVILLE, HOME OF THE GOOSE WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT. AN UNGRATEFUL GOOSER WAS FROWNED UPON IN A BIG WAY. 

 

JUST AS HE ORDERED HIS THIRD HOOBFLOOGEN SINKER WITH A SIDE OF NAPE, THE BAND WENT INTO A VICIOUS GROOVE. LEGEND HAS IT THAT IT WAS THEN, AT THAT MOMENT, WHEN SOMETHING STRANGE HAPPENED. IT WAS AS IF HE CAUGHT THE DISEASE OF THE INFECTIOUS GROOVE. ONE BARGOER WAS QUOTED SAYING:

"IT WAS AS IF GOD AND THE DEVIL WOKE UP INSIDE THAT BOY. HE WAS A SAD SACK OF SHIT BUT, WHEN THAT BAND STARTED PLAYING, HE BECAME SOMEBODY ELSE. NEXT THING YOU KNOW OL' HONUS STARTED PLAYING THAT FUNKY THANG... IZAAC GOT UP AND RAN OUTSIDE. I HEARD HE DUNKED A BASKETBALL IN THE PARKING LOT. ALL I KNOW IS HE CAME RUNNING BACK IN WITH A RED LAWN MOWER AND HAD THE CRAZIEST LOOK IN HIS EYE. HE FIRED THAT THING UP. RIGHT IN THE BAR! RIGHT ON STAGE! AND THE BAND GROOVED RIGHT ALONG. HE BUSTED OUT A DELAY PEDAL AND SOME FLANGE AND REALLY BROUGHT THE HOUSE DOWN. VERY ABSTRACT, BUT NOT REALLY. WE DANCED. BOY DID WE DANCE. AND THEY JAMMED ALL NIGHT LONG. I THOUGHT IT WAS UNPRECEDENTED, BUT THE NEXT DAY HE LEFT FOR NASHVILLE WITH THEM. WE DON'T REALLY MISS HIM HE WAS KINDA SOFT. PROBABLY FIT IN WELL AS A BUTTERCREAM BOY"

NOT MUCH IS KNOWN WHERE OR WHEN IZAAC SHORT ACTUALLY ARRIVED IN NASHVILLE TENNESSEE, BUT WHEN HE EVENTUALLY DID SHOW UP, HE HAD A GUITAR AND WOULD NOT SHUT UP ABOUT EXPIRED WATER. 

THAT'S WHEN HE MET GABRIELLE LEWIS.

COMING SOON! CHAPTER 2