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PROLOGUE
TWAS THE YEAR 2074. MT. GILGAMESH TREMBLED. IT HAD BEEN THOUSANDS OF YEARS SINCH IT HAD LAST MOVED, BUT TONIGHT IT SHOOK LIKE A DOG SHITTIN' BONES. FOR THE MOUNTAIN HAD BEEN KNOCKED UP.
DEEP WITHIN THE CHASM OF MT. GILGAMESH GREW A FUNKY ENERGY. IT GROOVED. IT WAS GROOVIN THAT STICKY ICKY BUBBA MAKINTAS TYPE OF GROOVE. THE PEOPLE WHO LIVED UPON THE MOUNTAIN HAD BEEN SHAKING TO THIS GROOVE FOR YEARS. BUT TONIGHT? TONIGHT, THE MOUNTAIN SHOOK BACK.
IN ORDER TO UNDERSTAND WHY A DANCE GROOVE MANIFESTED ITSELF WITHIN A TROPICAL VOLCANIC MOUNTAIN, WE MUST FIRST TRAVEL BACK IN TIME. BACK TO A TIME WHERE THE COLLEGE EDUCATED WERE UNEMPLOYED, AND THE UNEDUCATED HAD NO DEBT.
ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE YEAR 2017, THERE WAS A BAND CALLED THE WEIRD SISTERS.
CHAPER 1, THEN THERE WERE TWO
GABRIELLE LEWIS AND IZAAC SHORT WERE JUST STRANGERS IN A STRANGE LAND IN THE YEAR 2017.
GABRIELLE LEWIS WAS YOUNG, POINTY AND PRETTY. SHE GREW UP ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE FENCE. YES, THAT'S RIGHT. SHE'S CANADIAN. SHE WAS BORN ON A LODGE IN NUNAVUT. AND IF YOU GIVE HER ANY ATTITUDE ABOUT IT, SHE WILL HAVE NUNA-VUT! THAT'S RIGHT. A REAL SASSY MAMA. SHE GREW UP WITH LOTS OF PLAID, BARKING DOGS, SNOW, WHITTLING, AND PERHAPS MOST IMPORTANTLY, A BIG WOODEN PIANO NAMED EMMETT. TO SAY THAT FAR NORTH IS A QUILTED PLACE WOULD JUST BE A LIE. IT'S QUILTED NORTHERN MEGA. THERE IS SNOW. ABOUT AS MUCH AS ONE CAN IMAGINE. THEY SAY THAT'S WHERE SNOW GOES FOR THE SUMMER. GABRIELLE DID GO OUTSIDE ONCE AND SHE WAS ALMOST EATEN BY A BEAR. THE REASON HER FATHER GAVE HER AS TO WHY SHE WAS ALMOST EATEN WAS SIMPLE. SHE SMELLED. "THE BEAR WANTED TO KILL YOU BECAUSE YOU SMELLED BAD. WHY WOULD A BEAR WANT TO KILL YOU IF YOU SMELLED GOOD? YOU ONLY WANT TO GET RID OF SOMETHING WHEN IT SMELLS BAD."
CONFUSED BY THIS, SHE NEVER LEFT THE HOUSE AGAIN. THAT'S WHERE HER AND EMMETT THE PIANO GOT TO KNOW EACH OTHER. THEY SAY IF YOU SPEND ENOUGH TIME WITH YOUR INSTRUMENT THEY START TALKING TO YOU. AS EMMETT AND GABRIELLE GOT TO KNOW EACH OTHER THEY TALKED AND TALKED. WHEN GABRIELLE TOLD HIM ABOUT THE BEAR, EMMETT WASN'T SURE IF HER FATHER WAS CORRECT, BUT DIDN'T WANT TO SAY ANYTHING BECAUSE HE GENUINELY EJOYED HER COMPANY AND DIDN'T WANT TO RISK HER GOING BACK OUTSIDE. THEY WOULD JAM ALL DAY AND TALK ALL NIGHT. THEY EVEN BANGED A FEW TIMES.
CANADA NEVER FELT SO WARM. THINGS WERE HEATING UP.ONE AFTERNOON GABRIELLE AND EMMET WERE HANGING OUT, JAMMING OUT TO THE NEWS CHANNEL. WEATHER MAN BONNET FREEMAN WAS TELLING IT HOW IT WAS. THE COLD BUT SOFT WET TRUTH. "TODAY IS A SAD DAY, IT IS MY SUPREME SADNESS TO DELIVER PERHAPS THE MOST FOREBODING WEATHER REPORT EVER REPORTED IN THE HISTORY OF CANADIAN PUBLIC ACCESS. OUR BELOVED COUNTRY IS MELTING. IF YOU ARE HEARING THIS MESSAGE, IT IS TIME TO GRAB ANY AND ALL PERSONAL BELONGINGS AND RUN. YOU ARE NOT SAFE."
AT THIS POINT, THE AMERICAN SCIENTIST ALFRED GORE HAD BEEN SAYING THIS FOR YEARS. NOBODY TOOK HIM SERIOUSLY BECAUSE HE WAS JUST SO DAMN UGLY. LUCKLY THIS WEATHERMAN WAS MOVIE STAR HANDSOME, AND GABRIELLE IMMEDIATELY TOOK ACTION. FIRST, SHE LOOKED OUT THE WINDOW. IT HAD BEEN MONTHS SINCE HER LAST PEEK. ALREADY THERE WAS ABOUT A DECIMETER OF WATER, SLOWLY RISING AROUND THE SMALL BARRACK THEY CALLED A HOUSE. SHE LOOKED AT EMMET THE PIANO. LOOKED AT ALL 227 KILOGRAMS OF EMMET THE PIANO."I'M NOT LEAVING WITHOUT YOU SHE SAID."
THEY ARGUED FOR A BIT UNTIL GABRIELLE'S FATHER ENTERED THE ROOM WITH A LIFE JACKET AND A WIDE MOUTHED BLUNDERBUSS.
"FATHER, I WILL NOT LEAVE EMMET."
TO THE MAN'S CREDIT, HE TRIED TO TAKE THE PIANO. THEY SPENT AN HOUR IN KNEE DEEP WATER STRUGGLING TO GET THE PIANO INTO THEIR SNOW MOBILE... BUT TO NO AVAILE. GABRIELLE WAS SO BESIDE HERSELF, SHE FORGOT TO BE SCARED OF THE BEARS. FORGOT TO BE CONCERNED OF HER AROMA. SHE WOULD NOT LEAVE HER FRIEND BEHIND.
EMMET, IN A FINAL ACT OF SELFLESSNESS, SAID WHAT NEEDED TO BE SAID. IT WAS SAD, IT WAS HEARTBREAKING. I WOULD TYPE OUT THE DIALOG, BUT IT'S JUST TOO DARN SAD. SIMILAR TO WHEN THAT KID TELLS AIR BUD TO GO FUCK HIMSELF. GABRIELLE CHOKED BACK BIG WET TEARS AS THEY PUTTERED AWAY HEADING SOUTH. HOW SOUTH THEY WOULD GO SHE KNEW NOT.
AS THE CLIMATE CONTINUED TO SHIFT EMMET WOULD EVENTUALLY FIND HIMSELF ON THE BOTTOM OF THE HUDSON BAY FOR QUITE SOMETIME, THOUGH THIS WOULD HARDLY BE THE LAST TIME HE CROSSED PATHS WITH GABRIELLE LEWIS.
HOW SHE MADE IT TO NASHVILLE TENNESSEE IS ANYONE'S GUESS. GETTING THAT GIRL TO TALK ABOUT HER PAST IS LIKE CHANGING THE BREAKS ON SOMEONE ELSES CAR WITHOUT ANY LITE BEER.BUT MADE IT TO NASHVILLE SHE DID, ALONE, OUTNUMBERED, AND SCARED OF THE WATER, GABRIELLE WAS LOOSE IN THE SOUTH. HOWEVER IT WAS NOT LONG BEFORE THE LOOSE MET THE GOOSE.
IZAAC SHORT ON THE OTHER HAND WAS FROM A SMALL FARMING COMMUNITY CALLED GOOSEVILLE, SOMEWHERE IN THE SMALL INTESTINE OF WESTERN PENNSYLVANIA. GOOSEVILLE WAS TRUE TO IT'S NAME. FAMOUS FOR GOOSERY AND ALL THINGS DENIM. THERE WERE SO MANY GEESE THEY HAD TO CLOSE THE COAL MINE. IZAAC GREW UP GOOSING IN ABOUT EVERY WAY POSSIBLE, AND WAS ON TRACK TO A PROSPEROUS LIFE, BUT IT WASN'T MAKING HIM HAPPY. AT NIGHT HE WOULD CRY OUT TO THE STARS, "PLEASE TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS PLACE!" BUT THE DISTANT HONKS OF THE GEESE WERE HIS ONLY REPLY. THERE HAD TO BE A BETTER WAY. THE ONLY THING HE TRULY FOUND AGREEABLE WAS THE VIBRATION OF A PARTICULARLY RELIABLE SNAPPER PUSH MOWER. BOY OH BOY, WHEN THE GRASS NEEDED CUT, IZAAC WAS THE FIRST TO VOLUNTEER. HE LOVED SINGING AND WHISTLING TO THAT OLD LAWN MOWER HUM. AND WHAT LUCK IF YOU HIT A STICK... RHYTHM! UNFORTUNATELY ALL GOOD THINGS MUST COME TO AN END. HE WAS CUTTING THE GRASS AT MAYOR THUMB'S HOME, A PRESTIGIOUS GIG. HE WAS JUST FINISHING UP THE FINAL STRIPE, WHEN HE SPOTTED AN UNUSUAL RIVER STONE PROTRUDING FROM THE GRASS, WELL, IT WAS TOO IRRESISTIBLE. "DRUM SOLO" HE MOANED AS HE VIERED OFF COURSE. HE HAD TO RUN IT DOWN. IZAAC INHALED AND CLOSED HIS EYES... AND IT SOUNDED MAGICAL. THE LAWN MOWER TORE THE SMOOTH ROCK TO PIECES, BEATING LIKE CHURCH BELLS BETWEEN THE SPINNING BLADE AND LAWNMOWER DECK. KEITH MOON COULDN'T HOLD A CANDLE TO THIS LAWN MOWER. IT WAS FIERCE, ELECTRIFYING, THE MOWER HUMMED IN THE KEY OF G EXUDING HARMONICS SO COMPLEX ONLY GOD COULD COMPREHEND.IT WAS GORGEOUS, BUT NOT FOR LONG. YOU SEE A PIECE OF THE WHIRLING ROCK ESCAPED THE VORTEX. HIT BY ONE OF THE STEEL BLADES, IT SHOT SAVAGELY TOWARDS THE POND. WITH A MUFFLED THUMP AND PLUME OF FEATHERS, THE FUN WAS BROUGHT TO A QUICK AND SOBERING HAULT. THE CHUNK OF ROCK HAD STRUCK MAYOR THUMB'S AWARD WINNING GOOSE. AN AMBULANCE WAS CALLED, AND THE YOUNG PROFESSIONALS TRIED THEIR HARDEST TO REVIVE THE GOOSE TO NO AVAIL. THE GOOSE WAS PRONOUNCED DEAD, AND IZAAC WAS PRONOUNCED FIRED. DESPONDENT AND WITH NO WHERE TO GO IZAAC WENT WHERE HE ALWAYS WENT. DOWN TO THE LOCAL BEER GARDEN, HONKERS.
THERE WAS A LITTLE BAND PLAYING THAT NIGHT. HONUS RIB AND THE BUTTERCREME BOYS CROONED ON AND ON AS IZAAC DRANK HIMSELF SADDER AND SADDER. HE WAS LOWDOWN AND IT WAS OBVIOUS. "I'M SO TIRED OF GEESE" HE TRIED TO SAY TO A GENTLEMAN AT THE BAR. HE WOULDN'T LISTEN. NOBODY WOULD LISTEN. IZAAC WAS USED TO THIS BY NOW. THIS WAS GEESEVILLE, HOME OF THE GOOSE WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT. AN UNGRATEFUL GOOSER WAS FROWNED UPON IN A BIG WAY.
JUST AS HE ORDERED HIS THIRD HOOBFLOOGEN SINKER WITH A SIDE OF NAPE, THE BAND WENT INTO A VICIOUS GROOVE. LEGEND HAS IT THAT IT WAS THEN, AT THAT MOMENT, WHEN SOMETHING STRANGE HAPPENED. IT WAS AS IF HE CAUGHT THE DISEASE OF THE INFECTIOUS GROOVE. ONE BARGOER WAS QUOTED SAYING:
"IT WAS AS IF GOD AND THE DEVIL WOKE UP INSIDE THAT BOY. HE WAS A SAD SACK OF SHIT BUT, WHEN THAT BAND STARTED PLAYING, HE BECAME SOMEBODY ELSE. NEXT THING YOU KNOW OL' HONUS STARTED PLAYING THAT FUNKY THANG... IZAAC GOT UP AND RAN OUTSIDE. I HEARD HE DUNKED A BASKETBALL IN THE PARKING LOT. ALL I KNOW IS HE CAME RUNNING BACK IN WITH A RED LAWN MOWER AND HAD THE CRAZIEST LOOK IN HIS EYE. HE FIRED THAT THING UP. RIGHT IN THE BAR! RIGHT ON STAGE! AND THE BAND GROOVED RIGHT ALONG. HE BUSTED OUT A DELAY PEDAL AND SOME FLANGE AND REALLY BROUGHT THE HOUSE DOWN. VERY ABSTRACT, BUT NOT REALLY. WE DANCED. BOY DID WE DANCE. AND THEY JAMMED ALL NIGHT LONG. I THOUGHT IT WAS UNPRECEDENTED, BUT THE NEXT DAY HE LEFT FOR NASHVILLE WITH THEM. WE DON'T REALLY MISS HIM HE WAS KINDA SOFT. PROBABLY FIT IN WELL AS A BUTTERCREAM BOY"
NOT MUCH IS KNOWN WHERE OR WHEN IZAAC SHORT ACTUALLY ARRIVED IN NASHVILLE TENNESSEE, BUT WHEN HE EVENTUALLY DID SHOW UP, HE HAD A GUITAR AND WOULD NOT SHUT UP ABOUT EXPIRED WATER.
THAT'S WHEN HE MET GABRIELLE LEWIS.
Mt. Gilgamesh
CHAPTER 2: UNION OF HONK AND COLD
ONE THING YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND ABOUT NASHVILLE TENNESSEE IN 2017, THERE WAS NOT MUCH GOING ON. EVERYONE KINDA KNEW EVERYONE, AND EVERYONE KNEW SOMEONE THAT HAD BANGED MAYOR MEGAN BERRY. IT HAD BEEN ABOUT A YEAR SINCE THAT WILD NIGHT AT HONKERS.IZAAC HAD CHANGED. HE HAD MUSTACHE THAT WAS POSITIVELY DANGLING FROM HIS FACE. GAS PRICES HAD BEEN STEADILY GOING UP, SO HE HAD TRADED HIS LAWN MOWER FOR A CHUNKY OL GUITAR NAMED MARIA. THE PROMISED LAND WAS HUMID AS HE STEPPED OFF THE BUS.
WAS THE SOUTH FRIENDLY?
THE SHORT ANSWER IS YES, BUT THE REAL ANSWER IS A FOOTLONG HOTDOG. IF YOU FIND YOURSELF BETWEEN THE BUN OF THE SOUTH, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO STRETCH. THE FIRST THING IZAAC SHORT NOTICED WAS THE SHEER AMOUNT OF BUGS. FOR IT WAS JULY. BIG BUGS. BUGS THE SIZE OF BURGERS.BUGS WITH THEIR OWN ZIP CODE. BUGS THAT WOULD CRAWL INTO YOUR HAIR AND UNDER YOUR SKIN AND MAKE YOU ITCH UNTIL YOU HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO SCRATCH.
HE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TIME TO THINK AS HE EXITED THE BUS. THERE WAS AN ITCH, AND HE STARTED SCRATCHING.IT BEGAN INNOCENTLY ENOUGH, BUT SOON IZAAC HAD FOUND A NICE PLACE TO SIT BENATH A JUNIP TREE. ALONE, HE SCRATCHED LONG AND DEEP. HIS BODY FORCING HIM TO SCRATCH LONGER, HARDER, AND FASTER THAN EVER BEFORE.AT ONE POINT HE SCRATCHED HIMSELF INTO ANOTHER DIMENSION. THERE HE FOUND MEMORIES WINDING THIER WAY AROUND HIM, SOMETIMES FORWARD AND OTHER TIMES IN REVERSE. HE BEGAN TO SORE HIGHER AND HIGHER LOCKED DEEP IN A TRANSCENDENTAL MEDITATIVE ITCH. HE SAW HIS FATHER TAKE THE FORM OF A MASSIVE PELICAN, DIVE DOWN AND PLUCK A MODEST TROUT FROM THE POND THAT WAS IZAAC'S HEART. VIBRATIONS OF RELIEF CAME AND WENT LIKE WAVES ON THE BEACH. HE SCRATCHED HIS BUTT UNTIL HIS HAND BECAME NUMB. HOWEVER IT WAS THIS FINAL SCRATCH THAT SENT HIM OVER THE EDGE. HE FELT HIS CONSCIOUSNESS DISSOLVE AND HE LANDED HARD IN THE ASTRAL PLANE, ITCHY AND DESPONDENT. FROM THIS VANTAGE POINT, NASHVILLE DIDN'T SEEM TOO BAD. LOTS OF MUSIC ECHOED THROUGHOUT HIS TRANQUILITY. HE BEGAN TO LISTEN, AND WAS SURPRISED TO HEAR THE SOUND OF WET CIGARETTE BUTTS AND HONKEY TONK REGRET. THY 10 GALLON HAT RUNNETH OVER. HE TURNED HIS EARS TO THE EAST AND WAS HUMBLED BY STRETCHED DENIM AND EVEN BIGGER HATS. SONICALLY IT WAS HARD TO SPOT A DIFFERENCE, BUT MAN WAS IT TOE TAPPIN. HE JUST GROOVED ON IN WONDER. SOME TIME PASSED AND HE TURNED HIS ATTENTION TO THE MORE CLASSICAL HUMPS AND VALLEYS AND WAS SURPRISED TO FIND THAT HE WAS NOT WALKING BUT RUNNING TO THIS BEAUTIFUL SOUND IN HIS HEAD.
NASHVILLE TENNESSEE IF YOU DON’T ALREADY KNOW, IS CERTAINLY ANOTHER DIMENSION. ALL THE LITTLE BOYS AND GIRLS WHO END UP EMBRACING THEIR DELUSION THAT THEIR MUSICAL PROWESS COULD POTENTIALLY BRING THEM SOME SORT OF SUCCESS IN EITHER VANITY OR DOLLARS, END UP THERE IN SOME WAY SHAPE OR FORM. IF ONLY TO DRINK MUCH TOO MANY BUSHWACKERS; CONSEQUENTIALLY BLOWING CHUNKS ON LOWER BROADWAY. THE COMMON MISUNDERSTANDING IS THAT THE MUSICALLY INCLINED ARE IN CONTACT WITH SOME HIGHER FORCE BLINDLY GUIDING THEM THROUGH EVERY DETAIL OF LIFE. AND I MEAN EVERY DETAIL. FROM BREAKFAST SOUP TO COWBOY BOOTS, TO A G MAJOR 7TH AT THE END OF A MEANDERING PHRASE TO IMPLY EMOTIONAL TENSION. IF YOU SPEND A LITTLE TIME IN NASHVILLE, YOU’LL FIND THAT TO BE ONLY PARTIALLY TRUE. THE TRUE MUSICIAN IS GUIDED BY DILUTION AND MONETARY GRANDEUR WITH NO CLUE HOW TO FIND WHAT THEY THINK THEY’RE LOOKING FOR. THE NAME OF THE GAME IS BLAME. BLAME IT ON DADDY’S MONEY, BLAME IT ON THE RENT, BLAME IT ON THE SONGS YOU DIDN’T WRITE OR YOUR BIG NOSE. THIS IS THE WAY, FOR IF YOU ARE A MUSICIAN, YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. EVERY FEELING OF DISCONTENT AND INABILITY IS FUEL FOR THE INNER FIRE THAT CREATES THE HEAT FOR THE MEAT ON THE GRILL OF MUSIC.
IN THIS TIME GABRIELLE HAD TAKEN A MORE DIPLOMATIC APPROACH AND HAD EMBRACED THE HUMBLE PURSUIT OF MUSICAL KNOWLEDGE. HUNGRY TO CONDUCT ORCHESTRAS OF HER OWN MAKING, SHE TOILED AWAY LEARNING TO READ AND WRITE ALL DAY.
NIGHTTIME WAS FOR BASKING IN THE GLORY OF THE MUSICAL MANUSCRIPTS OF THE GREAT FOREFATHERS, SUCH AS JOHANN SEBASTIAN BACH OR HORACE DEBUSSY IF IT WAS A WEDNESDAY AND KITCHEN NIGHTMARES WAS ON TV.
DESPERATE TO CLIMB EVERY RUNG JACOBS LADDER HAD TO OFFER, AND MAKE HER STAIN SOMEWHERE NEAR THE TOP. FOR MANY, THE IDEA OF MUSICAL SUCCESS IS TO ESCAPE NASHVILLE, BUT AS I PONTIFICATED EARLIER, NASHVILLE IS A DIMENSION UNTO ITSELF. IT EATS YOU, IT TAKES AND TAKES UNTIL YOU CAN NO LONGER GIVE. SUCKED DRY LIKE YESTERDAY’S JUICE BOX. JUST WHEN YOU’RE ABOUT TO RUN AWAY SCREAMING, TAIL BETWEEN YOUR LEGS, EYES BLEEDING, ONLY THEN WILL SHE THROW YOU A BONE. WITH THE SMALLEST GLIMMER OF HOPE YOU QUICKLY DIVE DEEPER INTO THE MADNESS, BLIND TO THE INEQUALITY AND CLOSER THAN EVER TO A STOCKHOLM SYNDROME DIAGNOSIS. IF ONLY YOU HAD INSURANCE BUT YOU DON’T. AT THIS POINT ANY PSYCHOLOGICAL EVALUATION WILL BE PERFORMED BY YOUR MANY EQUALLY DILUTED BEATEN DOWN POT SMOKING FRIENDS THAT ONLY WANT YOU AROUND FOR YOUR PERFECT PITCH AND SOCIAL MEDIA FOLLOWING. THE MOST NOBLE PURSUITS ARE THOSE OF SELF SACRIFICE AND GABRIELLE WAS RUNNING OUT OF SELF.
SHAKEN FROM HIS TRANCENDENTAL JAM SESH IZAAC HAD FINALLY AWOKE TO FIND HIMSELF SLIGHTLY SWOLLEN, PINK, AND IN NEED OF A MEAL. HE HAD GALLOPED HIS WAY OVER TO CENTENNIAL PARK THINKING THE SIGN HAD READ CENTENNIAL PORK. DISAPPOINTED, HE KNEW NOT WHAT TO DO. AS IF IT WERE PREDETERMINED A GENTLEMAN PASSED BY, AND UTTERED THOSE FATEFUL WORDS ANY LONG HAIRED GUITAR BOY DREAMS OF HEARING. "HEY DUDE."
THE GENTLEMAN WAS A NATURAL BORN FLORIDIAN NAMED RUSSLE. WHAT THE TWO BOYS LACKED IN COMMON THEY MADE UP FOR IN FACIAL HAIR AND A SHARED LIKING FOR PINK FLOYD'S LIVE AT POMPEII. THEY CHATTED FOR A BIT AND BEFORE LONG IZAAC WAS INVITED TO DINNER. "SCORE" IZAAC THOUGHT TO HIMSELF. THERE WAS TALK OF SPAGHETTI AND THAT EXCITED HIM. RUSSEL WAS A MAGIC MAN, NOT SO MUCH A MOVER AND SHAKER, BUT MORE A PRODUCER.
ON THE WAY TO DINNER, IZAAC TIMIDLY SAT IN THE PASSENGER SEAT OF RUSSEL'S OLDSMOBILE CUTLASS. HE WAS QUICKLY SUBJECTED TO AN ALBUM RUSSEL HAD RECORDED IN AN ABANDONED HOUSE. IT SOUNDED LIKE CHOCOLATE DRIPPING ONTO A TIN ROOF. IZAAC FOR THE SECOND TIME THAT DAY FELL IN LOVE. RUSSEL EXPLAINED THAT THEY WOULD NOT ALONE FOR THE IMPENDING SPAGHETTI BANQUET, THERE WAS ANOTHER GUEST. A YOUNG CANADIAN WOMAN. NOT WANTING TO SHARE IN THE BOUNTY, IZAAC WASN'T SO SURE ABOUT THIS. HUNGER WILL MAKE YOU GREEDY AND YOU BETTER BELEVE HE WAS FEELING IT, FROM THE BUS RIDE TO TRIPPING ON THE ITCH, HE HAD WORKED UP A MAJOR APPETITE.
THEY PULLED IN THE DRIVEWAY TO A FUNKY LITTLE CHATEAU KNOWN ONLY AS "969." THERE WAS INDEED A CANADIAN WOMAN, HANDS ON HER HIPS, EYEBROW COCKED TO THE NORTH EAST, OBVIOUSLY HAMMING UP HER DISPLEASURE TO BE KEPT WAITING.
"HELLO" IZAAC SAID, EXTENDING HIS ITCHY ARM TO SHAKE HANDS. "WHO THE FUCK IS THIS LITTLE PINK BITCH?" GABRIELLE LEWIS RETORTED SAVAGELY. THEY LOOKED AT EACH OTHER FOR A SPLIT SECOND AND BOTH BEGAN TO LAUGH.
HURRAH, A FRIENDSHIP WAS BORN.
TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT, THEY MADE THEIR WAY INSIDE, ATE DINNER, DRANK FIZZY DRINKS AND TRADED PAST TIME SUCCESSES AND FAILURES TO BOTH CRINGES AND APPLAUSE. THE HOUR GREW LATE AND IZAAC, HAVING NOTHING BUT A GUITAR AND NOWHERE TO GO, WAS PERMITTED TO SLEEP IN THE GARAGE. AND SUCH WAS THE NEXT FEW MONTHS. IZAAC EVENTUALLY CONNED HIS WAS INTO A SWEET CARPENTRY GIG, BUT AT THE END OF EVERY DAY HE WOULD EAT SPAGHETTI WITH RUSSEL WITH THE OCCASIONAL COMPANY OF GABRIELLE.
PLEASE JAM WITH ME IZAAC WOULD ASK, BUT THEY NEVER WOULD. NEVERTHELESS, HE ENJOYED THEIR COMPANY AMAZINGLY. HE AND GABRIELLE WOULD SKIVE OFF DURING THE DAY AND EXPLORE THE WORLD OF FINER ART AND MUSIC THAT SHE WAS QUICKLY DOMINATING. IN HER SHORT TIME IN NASHVILLE, GABRIELLE HAD BEGUN TO CULTIVATE HER VERY OWN ORCHESTRA.
THINGS WERE GOING WELL IN THIS NEW PLACE, NO GEESE OR LAWNMOWERS. GABRIELLE'S FEAR OF THE OUTDOORS HAD VIRTUALLY VANISHED. TOGETHER IN THIS SHORT TIME GABRIELLE AND IZAAC GREW SOME BALLS. EACH INTERESTED IN EACH OTHERS IDEAS AND MUSICAL PROWESS, AND NOT WANTING TO SHOW RESERVATIONS DROVE THEM TO NEW CREATIVE HEIGHTS. EVEN IZAAC WAS FEEBLY RECORDING LITTLE SONGS IN THE GARAGE. HOWEVER, AS MOST GOOD THINGS DO, THIS MOMENT CAME TO AN END.
LATE ONE NIGHT AT THE HOUSE OF RUSSEL, THERE WAS A CRASH AND A BOOM. IZAAC HEARD IT FROM THE GARAGE. HE GRABBED A BROOM AND CAME RUNNING TOWARDS THE HOME. IT ALL HAPPENED IN A FLASH. IT LOOKED LIKE THEY WERE BEING ROBBED. HE SAW THE SHADOWS OF TWO MEN, ONE WAS HOLDING RUSSEL'S GRANDFATHER CLOCK AND LAPTOP. THE OTHER FIGURE WAS HOLDING RUSSEL HIGH ABOVE IN THE MOONLIGHT. ONE HAND LIFTING RUSSEL BY THE NECK, STILL IN HIS JAMMIES HE GASPED AND SPUTTERED FOR AIR. IN THE OTHER HAND WAS A SWORD, NO ORDINARY SWORD, THIS SWORD WAS LONG AND SILVER BUT ALSO ON FIRE, WITH BLUE FLAMES LICKING THE BLADE.
THEY LOCKED EYES. IT WASN'T A ROBBERY. IT WAS AN EVICTION.
IT WAS MARY THE LANDLORD AND SHE WAS A BIG BITCH. APPARENTLY RUSSEL HAD BEEN LATE ON THE RENT. "ANY LAST WORDS?" THE BIG BITCH WHISPERED. "NOOOOOO" IZAAC YELLED AND CHARGED HER WITH THE BROOM. HE SWUNG NORTH HITTING HER RIGHT IN THE BALLS, BUT IT JUST BOUNCED OFF. SHE LAUGHED DRYLY AND PULLED DOWN HER SHIRT TO REVEAL A DISGUSTING ARMORED GIRDLE.
THE SECOND FIGURE HAD SET DOWN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK BY NOW AND GRABBED IZAAC SO TIGHT THAT HE COULDN'T MOVE. IT WAS HER PUSSY WHIPPED HUSBAND PAUL! THE FEELING OF DREAD WAS BUILDING AND IZAAC WAS TERRIFIED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN NEXT. RUSSEL WAS TURNING PURPLE FROM THE LACK OF AIR. MARY SMILED AND IN ONE SWIFT SILENT SWISH, BEHEADED RUSSEL IN THE DRIVE WAY.
TIME SEEMED TO STOP, THE MAGIC BLADE GLOWING RED WITH GLEE. SHE TURNED TO IZAAC AND SAID RYELY, "TELL YOUR FRIENDS." WITH THAT THEY WERE GONE. IZAAC RAN TO RUSSEL'S DECAPITATED CORPSE AND LOOKED AT HIM IN HORROR. HE WAS STILL ALIVE, HE MOUTHED THE WORD SURGERY. THE ONLY PROBLEM IS IZAAC DIDN'T KNOW ANY SURGIONS.
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